The FFVII Abridged Script
by Uncle Elmo
Summary: Place tongue firmly in cheek and enjoy this condensed version of FFVII
1. The FFVII Abridged Script

FF7- The Abridged Script…..  
  
EXT- Midgar Night….  
  
(A Small figure is seen huddled by a green fire.)  
  
Figure: Tee hee hee. Darn I'm cute!  
  
(She steps into the light and paces forward, the hustle and bustle of the city can be seen around her, the camera pans out and the title can be seen, all in GLORIOUS CGI).  
  
Audience: Cool!  
  
(A Train pulls into the station andf two figures jump off it, one CLOUD, is adressed in an unflattering Purple smock, he also has an impossible hairdo, no-one notices.)  
  
CLOUD: Hi!  
  
(The second figure who looks strangely like Mr T hops off)  
  
BARRETT: Now I aint no black man foo' I mess up Ebonics and make Jar Jar Binks look realistsic, you Dig?  
  
The Two figures meet up with disposible characters…  
  
JESSIE,BIGGS & WEDGE: Hi! We're sorta cute and we're gonna die soon, so it isn't really nessecary us to have well developed personailties.  
  
They all run into a reactor through the back door. Cloud hesitates  
  
CLOUD: Uuurgh….Stereotypical…Headaches…In Moments of tension….Urgh!  
  
BARRETT: Snap out of it Foo!  
  
CLOUD places the bomb and there's a boos fight, this is quickly dispensed with…  
  
Audience: Cool Music!  
  
They run out with secinds to spare and get seperated. CLOUD runs into the SMALL Figure seen in the intro.  
  
SMALL FIGURE: Tee Hee! I'm so cute, you're gonna love me, My name is Aeris, will you buy a flower?  
  
CLOUD Questions the relevance of buying a flower in a game that involves killing but does so anyway.  
  
He's cornered, escapes on a train and eventually meets up with TIFA, his childhood sweetheart.  
  
TIFA: Just because I have large breasts doesn't mean I don't have a brain. I can do Karate you know!  
  
MALE AUDIENCE: Phwoar!  
  
FEMALE AUDIENCE: Yawn!  
  
BARRETT meets his daughter Marlene, she has no relevance on the main plot whatsoever.  
  
MARLENE: Me a cute little girlie!  
  
BARRETT: Listen up! Since we bombed da reactor for our really pointless anti-terrorist organisation and killed thousands of people. Let's say we do it again! You dig?  
  
TIFA: Yaaay!  
  
AUDIENCE: Again? Why?  
  
They do it again, everything goes wrong they fight a Power rangers reject of a boss and TIFA is seen for the first time in GLORIOUS CGI….  
  
MALE AUDIENCE: PHWOAR!  
  
Cloud Plummets down to the depths below.  
  
  
  
AUDIENCE: Yawn…Yeah Yeah As If we're supposed to care for the one dimensional twat….  
  
Amazingly Cloud has survived and wakes up to find Aeris looking over him.  
  
AERIS: Tee Hee I'm such a cutie pie.  
  
The TURKS arrive but are quickly beaten by a couple of barrells.  
  
AERIS: Tee hee! Would you be my bodyguard Cloud?  
  
Cloud , being the moody stereotypical hero he is agrees. They leap over the rooftops like Mary Poppins on acid and end up at some slums. Tifa rides past in a chariot driven by a Moonwalking CHocobo, she's wearing a blue dress.  
  
MALE AUDIENCE: PHWOAR!  
  
CLOUD: There's my child hood..I mean a girl I know.  
  
FEMALE AUDIENCE: That two timing cheat!  
  
They go to WALL MARKET and Cloud has to dress as a woman to get in, this is funny. Aeris also changes her dress.  
  
MALE AUDIENCE: PHWOAR!  
  
They are thrown into the sewers and have to battle through a train grave yard.  
  
AUDIENCE: What does this have to do with the plot?  
  
CLOUD: Nothing, it's to waste a few more hours of your fool's lives!  
  
They get back to Sector 7 and there's a battle brewing, they fight, they escape in GLORIOUS CGI. The Plate is Squashed, and BIGGS, WEDGE and JESSIE are flattened not that anyone cares. AERIS is kidnapped.  
  
CLOUD: We have to go and save her….  
  
BARRETT: Screw Aeris, WHAT ABOUT MARLENE?  
  
TIFA: Cloud? Yoo hoo honey? I'm here!  
  
They go to the headquarters, get busted and wake up to a trail of blood on the floor.  
  
MALE AUDIENCE: Cool! Blood!  
  
They follow the trail of blood to find Mr Myagi (The president ) Slain.  
  
They then find Aeris.  
  
AERIS: Tee hee , this Evil Prof wants to experiment on me! Damn I'm so cute!  
  
A large lion like creature is dispatched to mate with her.  
  
AERITH: Boy, the Fanboys are going to have a field day with this…  
  
RED XVII: No one gives a damn about my character, but I'm a talking animal, and talking animals are always cool, so there!  
  
They all escape on a motorcycle, a cool SUB GAME ensues…. They escape.  
  
They reach a Snake on a skewer, this has no purpose than to look cool. They travel around the world and encounter SEPHIROTH. Spooky music begins to play when he appears so he's deifnately EVIL.  
  
SEPHIROTH: I'm Just SO Evil! But I'll be bloody annoying and won't fight you until the very last Moment… BWAHAHAHAHA! I SHALL BECOME ONE WITH THE PLANET!  
  
Sephiroth dispatches JENOVA to fight with you. Nobody cares apart from the fact she has cool Music.  
  
Several Flashbacks occur all contracticting each other.  
  
HIRONUBU SAKAGUCHI: You actually thought I spent Time WRITING this crap? Nah!  
  
They Meet CAITH SITH who then betrays them, but no one takes much notice.  
  
Eventually things come to a head at the city of the ancients. AERIS runs off. CLOUD and the gang find AERIS praying at an altar. This probably has some relevance to the plot, but no one's sure. SEPHIROTH appears from nowhere, skewering AERIS.  
  
AERIS: Tee hee, I'm so Cu..Urgh!  
  
AUDIENCE: Ohmygod he killed Aeris! YOU BASTARD!  
  
The Audience then ignores the contrived dragged around the world plot and becomes hell bent on destroying SEPHIROTH.  
  
TIFA: Yoo Hoo? I know Aeris is dead but I'm here for you Cloud!  
  
BARRETT: Yeah, Aeris died, which is sad but WHAT ABOUT MARLENE?  
  
They meet CID HIGHWIND, who's only real purpose is to swear a lot and drive an airship. They have an annoying encounter with RED XVII's Grandfather  
  
BUGENHAGEN: Hoo hoo! I'm supposed to be damn cute so you're supposed to be sorry when I die!  
  
They then are dragged around the world AGAIN, this time with the Highwind, an airship designed by CID.  
  
CID: This is my %^*%I Airship you %^(%.  
  
BARRETT: Nice Airship but WHAT ABOUT MARLENE?  
  
Cloud goes insane and TIFA saves him but he doesn't seem to take any notice.  
  
TIFA: I Saved your life you screwed up little hentai and you don't care!  
  
AUDINECE: Who cares, let's kick SEPHIROTH's butt….  
  
Eventually the team end up at the final Dungeon and kill SEPHIROTH.  
  
AUDIENCE: Yaaaay!  
  
After one pointless final battle the ending occurs in GLORIOUS CGI.  
  
SAKAGUCHI: Quick! End the game before it makes any sense!  
  
It ends.  
  
AUDIENCE: Huh?  
  
SAKAGUCHI: Fools! You've wasted 30 hours of your life on a game that makes no sense! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
The End.  
  
  
  
©1999 Uncle Elmo 


	2. The FFVII Abridged Script- Epilogue

The FFVII Abridged Script- Epilogue  
  
  
  
The Credits Start Rolling…..  
  
A young teenager Clad in Green runs onscreen , her name is YUFFIE, and contrary to popular belief her Theme is NOT "Who let the Dogs out..", She's dragging a Purple Clad guy with her, he seems reluctant his name is VINCENT  
  
YUFFIE: WAIT A MINUTE! Aren't going to get a mention? Do you think I worked hard in ALL those auditions, spend several long afternoons taking "Extra lessons" in some dingy Script writer's room and for WHAT? A Measly Sub Quest, come on!!! What do you think Vinnie?  
  
VINCENT: ……  
  
YUFFIE: AND another thing, what about OUR CGI Exit? *She looks down her top* I need some, "enhancement" too you know, just like Barbie Lockheart… Do you think this Dress will make me a hit with the fanboys? I don't think so!  
  
VINCENT:….Whatever  
  
YUFFIE: Haven't you ANYTHING to say Vinnie?  
  
VINCENT: I got a part in a fighting game.  
  
YUFFIE: Think they'll let me join too?  
  
VINCENT:…..  
  
They are interrupted by a final piece of GLORIOUS CGI  
  
RED XIII flanked by three cubs are running along the desert.  
  
AUDIENCE: Where the hell did they come from?  
  
The Audience seem oblivious to the devlish glint in RED XIII's eyes as he takes the cubs to how the burning remains of MIDGAR  
  
RED XIII: Children, look, see this is what happens when you leave the iron on, you must take your place in the circle of life…..  
  
CUB: What's that?  
  
RED XIII: I believe it's called the "Hokey Pokey"  
  
CUBS: So Dad, tell us more about Mom…..  
  
RED XIII: Well it started a long time ago…. A certain Waitress got drunk and….  
  
The GLORIOUS CGI ENDS and we see the Star Field…..  
  
SAKAGUCHI: Space….. The Final Fantasy….These are the adventures of Square's Cash-cow, our continuting mission, to explore new avenues of income, and to boldly treat rehashed ground with better graphics…  
  
  
  
THE END…. REALLY….  
  
  
  
  
  
(AUTHOR's NOTE: This epilogue was dedicated to the readers at FF.net and their criticisms, Are you happy now? ) 


End file.
